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Saturday, June 28, 2014

What if I don't want to start a new chapter?


"You are turning a new page!" "It's not goodbye, it's see you later!" 
Give me a break.
"It's a new chapter in your life!" 
Well shit, was the last 24 years one big run-on sentence? 

Blahbalhbala.

I want to be happy for all of my friends living in different states, taking different paths, but at the same time I am so incredibly selfish in the sense that I want them all surrounding me at all times. If I had the money, I would buy a Hilton and fly all my friends in for an extended stay. We would have dance studios, and film studios, art studios, etc. We would establish a creative powerhouse and rule the world. Ugh, but unfortunately I didn't win the lottery this week, or learn how to count cards for casinos--fuck me. 

Who you surround yourself with and where you are, are so so so important. It can ruin your life, or do the opposite--And my friends are the best, so I WANT YOU ALL HERE NOW.

I want to create. I want to improvise. I want to write sketches. Luke- I am serious about starting our political humor jazz band. I want to go to open mic nights. I want to inspire people, and pump out as much quality work as possible. I'm so thankful that two of my best friends are moving to this city with me, but I am so incredibly sad that I won't have access to the rest of my friends like I used to. Educational institutions are like prisons, but I have been so incredibly lucky to be trapped with some bad ass bitches. If you can survive theater politics together--you can probably breathe under water too.

I still haven't adjusted fully to this post-grad life. Sometimes it's awesome--I've accomplished a lot in the past couple of weeks (NOTE: I still have not paid my overdue library fees, so I don't even have my diploma yet....ha....ha......ha but hey! Uf thinks I tried to get a minor in packaging science! WTFbut now I need to find a new "safe place" to create work, and it's a bit overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming.

The thought of my friends going off and getting married and starting families is overwhelming. It's a beautiful thought, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking WHEN WILL WE HANG OUT.

Damnit. Maybe I just need to chill the hell out. Maybe I feel this way because I'm an only chid, or maybe you all should move to Chicago. I hear tickets are cheap in August.

I'll meet you at the airport.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

My first week in Chicago: A Fresh Start

You know how some people naturally have a resting bitch face? I'm not sure if I was one of those people, but since I've been here I can't stop smiling. Graduating UF, leaving Florida, and moving here was exactly what I needed. I can't count the number of times I felt like dying last semester--It was stressful, and horrible, and purely shitty. A few days after walking the stage I was like "Wow. I like living again!" And being unemployed for a few days was actually pretty awesome. I had the freedom to explore. I spent the free-time reevaluating the last couple of years in my life, and I had an honest discussion with myself about what I wanted and needed to change.

I have worked extremely hard over the past two years to improve my health. I gave up processed and refined sugars/foods, I gave up all grains, I started walking more, and I made an effort to be healthy. I've lost a lot of weight, and it took me a really really REALLY long to realize that the number on a scale doesn't define who am I, and I don't have to let it cripple my being.

I've practiced Alexander Technique, I started taking Rolfing sessions, and I began subscribing to health blogs and videos, I started watching inspiring TED talks...and most importantly I am now using this move, this huge transition in my life to start fresh, to continue improving my life, my health, my being.

I had a really great conversation recently with my friend Lauren about Fear. Fear stops us from trying new things, from traveling, from exploring, from learning a new skill set, from..YOU GET THE POINT. And why? Why is it that we care so entirely much about something we haven't even explored. You know why? Because we are mean to ourselves and automatically assume that the result is going to be poor. Well hey, STOP THAT. Being inactive will kill you.

Failing is great. It brings you a step closer to not failing, or at least being able to enjoy it. It should motivate you, not defeat you. Blah blah blah.

I recently found this post on Humans of New York, that I think about everyday. It's important. Say it out loud a few times.


This is very true. Maybe you aren't trying something new because you are reminded of past rejection. Well you know what? WHATEVER. That was in the past, and this is NOW. Of course some days will suck ass, but then some won't. I can feel myself working more toward a "I don't give a fuck" attitude everyday, and this is something I couldn't even have dreamed of two years ago. I was a mousey, insecure, hunched-over mess. I'm still a mess, but at least my spine is straight now damnit! Thanks AT!!

Anyway, I have had a very productive week in this city, and it's all because I worked my ass off. Two weeks before getting here I obsessively read EVERYTHING on the business insider. I made my resume look badass. I spent days on it, refining it, and realizing "Hey, I've done some cool shit, and I should totally brag about it, because why not?" I tried to make myself stand out, I spent time on my cover letters, I personalized each of them, I did my research and you know what? I got all three of the jobs I applied for. (Gosh I sound cocky. Not intended. *Fist Pump*)

I have learned to motivate myself. Before each and every interview I ran around the house yelling, and I'm not kidding, "YOU ARE AWESOME. YOU GOT THIS. LALALALALAL"(sometimes the "lalala"'s would be "ahhhhhhh"'s but you get it.  Yeah I looked like a fool, but I made myself laugh, reminded myself to chill out, and it worked. Stop taking yourself so seriously. I'm 24, but whatever, the 5 year-old part of me is allowed to come out.

I also started a 30 day Bikram yoga challenge (I'm sure you are all aware via my annoying FB posts--whatever I do it to keep myself accountable.) I love it. I made it through my first week. I am already way more flexible, way more aware of my own body, and leave feeling mentally and physically drained in the best of ways.

I'm excited. I've accomplished a lot, and now that the stress of school is gone, I think that my drive to succeed is going to amplify itself. You have to go after what you want, and you have to put aside the fear. You have to find ways to motivate yourself. Literally EVERYTHING you could ever want to know, or learn how to do is online--start using technology to inspire you rather than waste time.

I really believe that human beings are amazing and capable of anything we set our minds too, it just takes a hell of a lot of work, positivity, organization, and---oh, remember not to be a dick.